a celebration

Look what I made!

Is that a, what is that?

Raspberry torte cake

My favorite!

Your favorite

You did not have to do that, you know

I know, I've just been baking a lot anyway, I've gotten really into baking, so like... I just figured you deserved it! A perfect birthday cake!

I can't even believe you remember what my favorite is

I remember everything

You always did have a really impressive memory

fuck yeah. Nothing's changed

nothing's changed?

Haha you know what I mean.

I know. Haha so, um, what has changed?

You mean, like, big picture?

Yeah

Lots, man. Lots. I was just saying the other day, I can't even remember what I thought about in high school... who I was. At every stage, I feel like I have such a good hold on stuff, really know what's up know who I am and then a few years later, I can't even imagine what it was that I was worried about or concerned with or laughing about even. It's weird.

Hmm, yeah. Things have been pretty different for me, too.

I bet.

You first, though, you first. I wanna know what's going on. I wanna know who this new person is in front of me if you're soooo different from your high school version.

Haha, ya know, I was reading our old Facebook messages the other day.

Oh yeah?

Yeah, like ones we sent when we were like freshman in college. Trust me, you'd think what I've been thinking.. like why was I typing like that? What was I even talking about? Haha they were really dumb.

Yeah I think it's safe to say I wasn't the smartest my freshman year of college.

Think you were getting pretty crazy up there... seemed mostly out of boredom from being in the middle of nowhere

You have no idea

I think you mentioned in one of your messages that Sasquatch's sister had a crush on you...

Wow. Mean.

I'd say so...

God, I was an 18 year old boy.

And I was an 18 year old girl. It seriously feels so long ago, it's insane. I was a completely different person. Well, ya know, I've said it quite a bit... but September 21^st, 2010 changed the person that I am, the person i've become

I'm, I'm really sorry

No, dude. Don't be sorry. I mean, it's crazy to imagine how I would be different if that day didn't happen, if it didn't mean anything to me

haha yeah, I mean... me too

God, of course. So tell me about you, what's going on with you

You haven't even told me what your'e up to! Just that you've changed, which like... obviously you're gonna change as you grow up...

I haven't grown up, I really don't think that... I mean, I guess after that day, I started to really understand the depth of feeling more, like once you get to that point... it's easier to understand the realms and the layers that we all have. And like, when we were in high school, I always thought that knowing who I was had to rooted in principle, and sticking to my guns or whatever... but after what happened and then various other things, falling in love for the first time, what have you...i realized that it had to be rooted in experiences. So I realized all the things I hadn't felt, hadn't experienced. I mean, shit, it has made me such a more insightful performer! And, just a more insightful person in general, I guess. It's easier for me to, well maybe not easier, but it's more comprehensible for me to really sympathize with the world, with people who have felt equally and surely even huger things than i've felt. It makes me really realize all the things I'll never feel and all the ways I can't think about stuff. And that kinda makes me extremely sad and makes me kinda crave feeling stuff I don't think I actually would want to feel... which is kinda sick. I dunno, I guess I always thought I was quirky crazy... but now I guess it's easier to get really really wrapped up in my thoughts.. not that I think I'm actually crazy, I dunno... I've definitely learned and changed a lot.. which has been actually pretty awesome.

So what are your goals?

My goals?

Yeah, you were always such a goal oriented person... I can only assume you have them still

haha yeah, I have all sorts of huge goals... I guess I spend most of my time just working on things that are on my mind these days, smaller projects that I really do will ultimately come together and kinda... become my body of work. And who knows what will happen once there is a body of work, especially if i'm proud of it. I mean... it's so tempting to read like famous people's wikipedias and be like what they were this by the time they were 24, I'm not far from 24 holy shit what am I doing blah blah blah... when it's really like I just have to do my work and really be okay with my path, ya know?

I mean, I get it. I can't really, um, relate too much

Oh my god. I'm so sorry. God all this shit just seems so small and trivial compared to, like, the big stuff. I guess you know about the big stuff, don't you?

Well, yeah, sorta

Teach me. Man, I find myself so caught up in fucking dumb stuff all the time, ya know? It's sick and then I all of a sudden take the step back to big picture it all... and then I just start crying cuz I feel so stupid and like a dumb fucking blind human.

Don't do that

What

Don't call yourself a dumb, blind person. If there's anything I can say, it's don't bother with that kind of stuff.

What kind of stuff? God, I just have so many fucking questions. I mean, so I graduated and moved and now and just trying to do stuff. But like, what have you been doing? What's happened? Why do you get to celebrate this birthday with me? How are you? Have you changed?

Of course I have. Of course.

Tell me about it! Tell me about it all.

… you know I can't

Why? Why can't you?

Come on. You know I can't.

Please. Just a little bit. It's been almost four years, I'm sure you have something to share!

Well obviously I have things to share... but any answer I give, it's not gonna do you any good.

What? How could you possibly say that? All I want is to soak in as much as humanly possible. I'd give anything to know, just... how you are, how you've been?

I mean, I could tell you a lot of things... but you'll already know the answers

No, I don't... I mean, of course I've imagined some stuff, but like... I don't know the answers, I want to hear them from you

If you hear them from me, that doesn't make them not from you

Don't say that

Come on

Please don't say that, don't say that, come on, just tell me it's clouds and floating, tell me it's puzzles with answers, tell me it's even harder than before, tell me you see us, tell me you never see us... just tell me, tell me

you know I can't

YES YOU CAN

No. No, I can't. Come on.

(crying) yes you can. Yes you can yes you can.

I get it, dude. You think it's easy for me to be here?

Sure

You really think that?

It can't be that difficult, though, right? Cuz you're not

No, I'm not

Come back

I'm so sorry

At least have a piece of cake...?

You really are too thoughtful

Ya know, I just keep waiting... for these days to not feel like this. But they're just the annual reminder that even though everything has changed and I can do whatever it is that I want... that these days still matter. They still carry the same weight as they did before. No matter how many years have gone by.

You should probably stop doing this to yourself.

What?

Throwing birthday parties? Reading messages... reliving the experience of knowing me, just to realize...

That i'm sitting here alone with your birthday cake

You're not making it any easier on yourself

But should I? Should I make it easier? Isn't this what I was just saying? It's like, discounting myself from feeling emotions, isn't it?

Not if it's a form of masochism, no. You're doing it to yourself.

I know, but I, I, I just really missed you today

And I miss you

So what do we do...

Have a piece of cake. Go meet up with someone you love. That's probably the best we got.

That doesn't really seem like enough.