bigger than you'd think
Eliot: I saw a shooting star
Brandon: you did?
Eliot: I made a wish
Eliot: It hurt
Brandon: what hurt?
Eliot: Making the wish?
Eliot: I started shaking
Eliot: I was scared
Brandon: of your wish?
Eliot: That I made it, that I wanted to make it
Brandon: what was it
Eliot: well, if I tell you it won't come true
Brandon: are you serious
Eliot: okay, fine
Brandon: well you don't have to tell me, a wish is just a secret, so if you feel like telling me a secret, have at it... i'm not gonna make you
Eliot: I don't want to talk specifics
Eliot: it's not that I don't trust you, it's just... I'm, I'm
Brandon: you don't have to explain yourself
Eliot: but I do, don't I
Eliot: I never wish for the specifics
Eliot: I wanted, I wished, I... (phone buzzes) god don't you fucking hate it when you just get a voicemail and your phone doesn't ring? I fuckin hate that (listens to voicemail) oh my god! I got the job!
Brandon: Dream job?
Eliot: Not exactly... more like, better shitty job
Brandon: better is better
Eliot: in theory
Brandon: you pessimist
Eliot: what! No, stop! Dude, i've been owning mindset lately. Like, making mindset my bitch. I just start cycling sometimes, ya know. I get going and can't stop.
Brandon: I know
Brandon: What is that supposed to mean
Eliot: Have you ever been around someone for like, 6 weeks or something on and off...and all of a sudden you hear like three stories from them in a row and all of a sudden you're like holy shit, I don't know this person at all...
Brandon: I mean, I get what you're saying... it doesn't happen all that often
Eliot: People are always saying that shit to me.
Brandon: Well, you don't see it but,
Brandon: well, if you're someone with a layered and semi private personality, everyone assumes they know everything about you.
Eliot: Fuck, that's so true. I think I get so consumed in my layers that I forget there are lots of people without layers
Brandon: and if you're boisterous, and outspoken, people assume that they've heard everything... because they've heard a slice, a segment, just a faction of what you might have to say
Eliot: it's like simultaneously wrong to assume and to not assume, ya know
Brandon: of course, well, we gotta assess, ya know? That's why I hate the expression “don't judge me” so fucking much
Eliot: UGH! Me too! It's like bitch if I don't judge you, how am I going to walk away from this interaction with anything
Brandon: There's a difference between judging and being judgmental
Eliot: that's what I always say!
Brandon: Whores are the only people worried about judging anyway
Eliot: haha, well, not exactly. Everyone's worried. Everyone's so goddamn worried about everything.
Brandon: What are you worried about?
Brandon: You don't think everyone's proud of you?
Eliot: Disappointing myself. Getting so caught in trying to make it all work in my brain and never finding the way to make it work in reality. Running out of time. My friends dying. My friends settling. My family never figuring out a way to be okay. Student debt. How I can possibly combat everything. How I can follow the rules and break the rules at the same time. How i'm going to function independently forever.
How to do this how to do that how to make it fucking okay with myself every moment
Brandon: Are you okay with yourself?
Eliot: Fuck yes.
Brandon: Okay then.
Eliot: But okay in isolation
Eliot: I find a peace, a placement in comprehending independence
Brandon: what's wrong with that
Eliot: I cycle
Brandon: what do you mean?
Eliot: Independence is kinda scary.... it's like, in finding a way to be okay, I cycle over and over and catch myself in this circle of justification and answers that, of course, ultimately are of extreme importance. But like, it's just me... it's just my brain over and over and over again
Brandon: Act like you don't have friends....
Eliot: It's not that, I know I have so many amazing people that I'm able to bounce ideas off, like I get that... but I guess, I can't help but resort to the ultimate born alone, die alone argument
Brandon: you want something else
Eliot: I at least need to experience something else
Brandon: do you mean, what like a relationship?
Eliot: I mean, it's all relationships... I don't need a boyfriend, that's not really what it is... it's, I just get caught in thinking about all the things i've never felt... and I get envious, I get sad and warped and then mad for feeling that way, because it's like, don't I have enough? I have enough on my plate in my brain and my emotions but it's still, like dense and thick and maybe it needs to be chipped a little
Brandon: your wall
Eliot: excuse me?
Brandon: Your wall. I know about your wall.
Eliot: My wall?
Brandon: Like this is the first time you've heard this?
Eliot: What, that I put up a wall?
Eliot: Okay, well... yeah, I mean, people have said that to me before
Brandon: Exactly. It's because you're so fun, and funny and energetic and impassioned about things, it's easy to miss, but for those who sit for a bit, listen really closely
Eliot: is that what you've been doing
Brandon: There's something there
Brandon: in that head of yours. You have something
Eliot: … I know
Brandon: and it's right to be afraid of it, and protect it, but sometimes, you gotta shift it, push it aside a bit, try something else
Eliot: I just, I can't
Brandon: yes you can
he kisses her
Eliot: I don't know if this is
Brandon: Of course you don't
they stare at each other
Eliot: I don't want to give you the wrong impression, it's not that i'm embarrassed, i'm just, I just take a lot of work I think and I don't want to put that pressure on anyone or for you to think i'm putting pressure on you
Brandon: I don't...
Eliot: It's just, I don't need answers and I don't need traditions and I don't need fancy anything and I don't want to do what i'm supposed to but I don't want you to think that i'm not thinking about things and that i'm ignoring things or that i'm taking things more seriously than I should because we just made out a little on my roof because I don't I don't have expectations and I'm sorry i'm freaking out i'm just sick of accidentally kissing someone and then overthinking it to the point that I look insane like i'm obsessed or something but i'm not i'm just obsessed with interaction so I can't stop myself and I don't even know why i'm saying this all out loud i'm really sorry I ruin every moment ever and i'm not trying to...
Brandon: listen. You didn't accidentally kiss anything
Eliot: I know
Brandon: can you calm down?
Eliot: Probably not
Brandon: that's okay then
Brandon: keep freaking out
Eliot: no i'll stop, I should probably stop, i'll stop... why are you laughing
Brandon: you're fucking gorgeous
Eliot: oh don't do that
Brandon: you have no idea
Eliot: come on don't do this, please don't let me be a psycho and then flatter me, please
Eliot: I just.... I don't want you to be disappointed
Brandon: Thought you were only worried about disappointing yourself?
Eliot: Have I not made it clear how hyperaware I am of all things social? Nothing is more intimidating socially that a fucking intimate relationship. That's why I can't cope, I can't deal, I can't fucking do this to you if you think i'm some sort of gorgeous energy ball that will be some sort of good companion to rest your head on cuz i'm too wrecked for that right now I just want to....
Brandon: fucking stop this, okay.
Eliot: No, I'm sorry, I knew I was freaking you out, I knew that I should probably just..
Brandon: STOP. Can I tell you what disappoints me?
Eliot: Um, sure, yeah
Brandon: Your misunderstandings
Eliot: My what
Brandon: How intensely you misunderstand
Eliot: Misunderstand what
Brandon: Me, Eliot. You're so fucking used to justifying everything and consuming yourself in your own awareness that you can't even realize someone who is just mystified by you, someone who is just so drawn to you that they wouldn't want to get a word in edgewise because you don't stop, and you don't stop amazing, until you get into this spiral of
Eliot: I know, I'm sorry, I don't mean to justify over and over it's just i'm so caught
Brandon: I KNOW! Just shut up for a few minutes okay. Your ideas and your spiraling are so inspiring until, until you get scared. And as soon as you're scared, you're intolerable. You cannot accept anything from the outside when you get to that point. And sometimes, you need help Eliot. You fucking need it. Ya know, it's so frustrating to have conversations with you because you know everything I try to tell you.... you maybe haven't thought of it in those exact terms, but you understand it all and it's just infuriating. I want to give you an explanation, but you never need it. And I can see my ideas landing on you and I can see how you start to work and click and turn and turn and turn but it makes me feel awful that I can't just let you know that I admire you. I don't know anything about relationships and I don't know if I need to but if you'd just stop for three seconds you can see that you don't have to keep justifying everything. You don't have to make it all into a multiple choice test where you pick what answer is most correct. It's okay. Breathe, okay. Are you crying?
Eliot: Of course
Brandon: oh fuck I'm sorry, I did not mean to make you cry, I just...
Eliot: no no no. I want to cry.
Brandon: Okay. Just, well, just listen, I think we should just, do this. Just, ya know, have it. And see what it means to have it. And you can enjoy your new job, your better, and take another step, add one more layer to that fucking paper mache creation you've been making... and just I don't know, what do you think?
Lauren runs on the roof
Lauren: Eliot! Fuck, there you are. Oh, um, sorry to interrupt guys, but, um, Eliot listen. Um, Martin Samuels got in a car accident this afternoon and um, um, he didn't make
Eliot: ….. what
Lauren: I'm so sorry, I just, I, you needed to know as soon as possible, I'm sorry, I...
Eliot: I, I,
Brandon: I'm so sorry, El....
Eliot: another shooting star
Brandon: what? Well make a wish
Eliot: last time I wished for change
Eliot: wishing is scary
they sit together
she cries and cries