Play 6

bigger than you'd think

Eliot: I saw a shooting star

Brandon: you did?

Eliot: Yup

Brandon: and?

Eliot: I made a wish

Brandon: and?

Eliot: It hurt

Brandon: what hurt?

Eliot: Making the wish?

Brandon: Why?

Eliot: I started shaking

Brandon: shaking?

Eliot: Yeah

Brandon: why?

Eliot: I was scared

Brandon: of your wish?

Eliot: That I made it, that I wanted to make it

Brandon: what was it

Eliot: well, if I tell you it won't come true

Brandon: are you serious

Eliot: okay, fine

Brandon: well you don't have to tell me, a wish is just a secret, so if you feel like telling me a secret, have at it... i'm not gonna make you

Eliot: I don't want to talk specifics

Brandon: okay

Eliot: it's not that I don't trust you, it's just... I'm, I'm

Brandon: you don't have to explain yourself

Eliot: but I do, don't I

Brandon: never

Eliot: I never wish for the specifics

Brandon: okay...

Eliot: I wanted, I wished, I... (phone buzzes) god don't you fucking hate it when you just get a voicemail and your phone doesn't ring? I fuckin hate that (listens to voicemail) oh my god! I got the job!

Brandon: Dream job?

Eliot: Not exactly... more like, better shitty job

Brandon: better is better

Eliot: in theory

Brandon: you pessimist

Eliot: what! No, stop! Dude, i've been owning mindset lately. Like, making mindset my bitch. I just start cycling sometimes, ya know. I get going and can't stop.

Brandon: I know

Eliot: Sorta

Brandon: What is that supposed to mean

Eliot: Have you ever been around someone for like, 6 weeks or something on and off...and all of a sudden you hear like three stories from them in a row and all of a sudden you're like holy shit, I don't know this person at all...

Brandon: I mean, I get what you're saying... it doesn't happen all that often

Eliot: People are always saying that shit to me.

Brandon: Well, you don't see it but,

Eliot: what

Brandon: well, if you're someone with a layered and semi private personality, everyone assumes they know everything about you.

Eliot: Fuck, that's so true. I think I get so consumed in my layers that I forget there are lots of people without layers

Brandon: and if you're boisterous, and outspoken, people assume that they've heard everything... because they've heard a slice, a segment, just a faction of what you might have to say

Eliot: it's like simultaneously wrong to assume and to not assume, ya know

Brandon: of course, well, we gotta assess, ya know? That's why I hate the expression “don't judge me” so fucking much

Eliot: UGH! Me too! It's like bitch if I don't judge you, how am I going to walk away from this interaction with anything

Brandon: There's a difference between judging and being judgmental

Eliot: that's what I always say!

Brandon: Whores are the only people worried about judging anyway

Eliot: haha, well, not exactly. Everyone's worried. Everyone's so goddamn worried about everything.

Brandon: What are you worried about?

Eliot: Disappointing.

Brandon: You don't think everyone's proud of you?

Eliot: Disappointing myself. Getting so caught in trying to make it all work in my brain and never finding the way to make it work in reality. Running out of time. My friends dying. My friends settling. My family never figuring out a way to be okay. Student debt. How I can possibly combat everything. How I can follow the rules and break the rules at the same time. How i'm going to function independently forever.
How to do this how to do that how to make it fucking okay with myself every moment

Brandon: Are you okay with yourself?

Eliot: Fuck yes.

Brandon: Okay then.

Eliot: But okay in isolation

Brandon: explain

Eliot: I find a peace, a placement in comprehending independence

Brandon: what's wrong with that

Eliot: I cycle

Brandon: what do you mean?

Eliot: Independence is kinda scary.... it's like, in finding a way to be okay, I cycle over and over and catch myself in this circle of justification and answers that, of course, ultimately are of extreme importance. But like, it's just me... it's just my brain over and over and over again

Brandon: Act like you don't have friends....

Eliot: It's not that, I know I have so many amazing people that I'm able to bounce ideas off, like I get that... but I guess, I can't help but resort to the ultimate born alone, die alone argument

Brandon: you want something else

Eliot: I at least need to experience something else

Brandon: do you mean, what like a relationship?

Eliot: I mean, it's all relationships... I don't need a boyfriend, that's not really what it is... it's, I just get caught in thinking about all the things i've never felt... and I get envious, I get sad and warped and then mad for feeling that way, because it's like, don't I have enough? I have enough on my plate in my brain and my emotions but it's still, like dense and thick and maybe it needs to be chipped a little

Brandon: your wall

Eliot: excuse me?

Brandon: Your wall. I know about your wall.

Eliot: My wall?

Brandon: Like this is the first time you've heard this?

Eliot: What, that I put up a wall?

Brandon: Yeah

Eliot: Okay, well... yeah, I mean, people have said that to me before

Brandon: Exactly. It's because you're so fun, and funny and energetic and impassioned about things, it's easy to miss, but for those who sit for a bit, listen really closely

Eliot: is that what you've been doing

Brandon: trying

Eliot: why?

Brandon: There's something there

Eliot: where

Brandon: in that head of yours. You have something

Eliot: … I know

Brandon: and it's right to be afraid of it, and protect it, but sometimes, you gotta shift it, push it aside a bit, try something else

Eliot: I just, I can't

Brandon: yes you can

he kisses her

Eliot: I don't know if this is

Brandon: Of course you don't

Eliot: so...

kiss again

they stare at each other

Eliot: I don't want to give you the wrong impression, it's not that i'm embarrassed, i'm just, I just take a lot of work I think and I don't want to put that pressure on anyone or for you to think i'm putting pressure on you

Brandon: I don't...

Eliot: It's just, I don't need answers and I don't need traditions and I don't need fancy anything and I don't want to do what i'm supposed to but I don't want you to think that i'm not thinking about things and that i'm ignoring things or that i'm taking things more seriously than I should because we just made out a little on my roof because I don't I don't have expectations and I'm sorry i'm freaking out i'm just sick of accidentally kissing someone and then overthinking it to the point that I look insane like i'm obsessed or something but i'm not i'm just obsessed with interaction so I can't stop myself and I don't even know why i'm saying this all out loud i'm really sorry I ruin every moment ever and i'm not trying to...

Brandon: listen. You didn't accidentally kiss anything

Eliot: I know

Brandon: can you calm down?

Eliot: Probably not

Brandon: that's okay then

Eliot: what

Brandon: keep freaking out

Eliot: no i'll stop, I should probably stop, i'll stop... why are you laughing

Brandon: you're fucking gorgeous

Eliot: oh don't do that

Brandon: you have no idea

Eliot: come on don't do this, please don't let me be a psycho and then flatter me, please

Brandon: okay

Eliot: I just.... I don't want you to be disappointed

Brandon: Thought you were only worried about disappointing yourself?

Eliot: Have I not made it clear how hyperaware I am of all things social? Nothing is more intimidating socially that a fucking intimate relationship. That's why I can't cope, I can't deal, I can't fucking do this to you if you think i'm some sort of gorgeous energy ball that will be some sort of good companion to rest your head on cuz i'm too wrecked for that right now I just want to....

Brandon: fucking stop this, okay.

Eliot: No, I'm sorry, I knew I was freaking you out, I knew that I should probably just..

Brandon: STOP. Can I tell you what disappoints me?

Eliot: Um, sure, yeah

Brandon: Your misunderstandings

Eliot: My what

Brandon: How intensely you misunderstand

Eliot: Misunderstand what

Brandon: Me, Eliot. You're so fucking used to justifying everything and consuming yourself in your own awareness that you can't even realize someone who is just mystified by you, someone who is just so drawn to you that they wouldn't want to get a word in edgewise because you don't stop, and you don't stop amazing, until you get into this spiral of

Eliot: I know, I'm sorry, I don't mean to justify over and over it's just i'm so caught

Brandon: I KNOW! Just shut up for a few minutes okay. Your ideas and your spiraling are so inspiring until, until you get scared. And as soon as you're scared, you're intolerable. You cannot accept anything from the outside when you get to that point. And sometimes, you need help Eliot. You fucking need it. Ya know, it's so frustrating to have conversations with you because you know everything I try to tell you.... you maybe haven't thought of it in those exact terms, but you understand it all and it's just infuriating. I want to give you an explanation, but you never need it. And I can see my ideas landing on you and I can see how you start to work and click and turn and turn and turn but it makes me feel awful that I can't just let you know that I admire you. I don't know anything about relationships and I don't know if I need to but if you'd just stop for three seconds you can see that you don't have to keep justifying everything. You don't have to make it all into a multiple choice test where you pick what answer is most correct. It's okay. Breathe, okay. Are you crying?

Eliot: Of course

Brandon: oh fuck I'm sorry, I did not mean to make you cry, I just...

Eliot: no no no. I want to cry.

Brandon: Okay. Just, well, just listen, I think we should just, do this. Just, ya know, have it. And see what it means to have it. And you can enjoy your new job, your better, and take another step, add one more layer to that fucking paper mache creation you've been making... and just I don't know, what do you think?

Eliot: yeah

Brandon: yeah?

Eliot: Yeah.

they kiss
they sit
they stare

Lauren runs on the roof

Lauren: Eliot! Fuck, there you are. Oh, um, sorry to interrupt guys, but, um, Eliot listen. Um, Martin Samuels got in a car accident this afternoon and um, um, he didn't make

Eliot: ….. what

Lauren: I'm so sorry, I just, I, you needed to know as soon as possible, I'm sorry, I...

Lauren exits

Eliot: I, I,

Brandon: I'm so sorry, El....

Eliot: another shooting star

Brandon: what? Well make a wish

Eliot: last time I wished for change

Brandon: well

Eliot: wishing is scary

She cries
they sit together
she cries and cries